Often, I hear from wives who ask if their husband was being unfaithful or having an affair if he didn't have sex with the other woman. I often get comments like these: "My husband has been having lunch with and seeing someone else, but hasn't had sex. Is this cheating?;" or "My husband has been seeing a coworker, but he says they've only kissed and have not had intercourse. Is this still infidelity?;" or "Is cyber cheating the same as an affair?" I'll answer these questions in the following article.
Would Your Husband Share This Relationship With You? Did He Try To Hide It?: Often I tell wives that I consider any relationship that you husband didn't share with you to be suspect. In other words, if he kept all of the lunches and the encounters to himself, then clearly he had something to hide or wasn't at all comfortable with what he was doing (and knew that you wouldn't be either.)
In contrast, if he was completely open about it, letting you read emails or listening in on the phone conversations, then that's a different story. This indicates a different type of intent. However, this is often not the case. Instead, a husband will start out being secretive about this person. You may know about their existence, but you don't know nearly the extent of the relationship. He's keeping a part of his life secret from you, because deep down, he suspects that this is going to be going somewhere separate from his marriage.
Is He Getting An Emotional Or Physical Pay Off From Someone Other Than You, His Wife?: Although I will admit that it's a bit less damaging if sex or intercourse didn't take place, emotional or Internet infidelity can be just as hurtful and damaging. At the root of the matter is the fact that your husband was sharing some part of himself with a woman that isn't you. He was getting emotional support or physical stimulation or give and take in secret from someone that isn't his wife. Very often, he will keep this fact from you because he knows that it's wrong and he knows that you're going to put an immediate stop to this once you found out. Not only that, but he's going to have to deal with some pretty negative repercussions once the cat is out of the bag.
Many men will tell you that Internet or cyber relationships amount to nothing. It's clean and harmless fun where they're allowed to be anonymous and enjoy a no strings attached kind of exchange. Well, if this is all so harmless, why does he do this in secret. Why do many men delete their Internet history or do this behind a locked door or after their wives go to bed?
Picking Up The Pieces, Even When No Sex Was Involved: Despite the lack of intimacy, I see this as a real problem. Secrets were kept and trust is broken. I truly feel that often this relationship is only a very tiny step away from sexual cheating. And, I do believe that sometimes the actual sexual act was only a matter of time. The intention was very often there just the same.
Often, you will still need to deal with restoring trust, fixing whatever led to this breach, and restoring the intimacy between you. There is often a lengthy healing process just the same. However, with that said, many women who are dealing with an affair in which sexual relations did take place have a very difficult time getting images of their husband and the other woman being intimate out of their head. It doesn't matter if she didn't actually see them. She is able to see them in her mind.
However, I do sometimes have women tell me that it's even worse to imagine their husbands stroking another woman's cheek, listening intently to another woman's conversation, or lovingly holding another woman's hand. I suppose it's going to depend on the personality of the wife, but I don't know many women who would get excited about or be able to effortlessly move past any inappropriate contact.
I'm of the humble opinion that whether sex happened or not doesn't matter as much as the intent. Both scenarios will require a lot of hard work and patience to fix, but the good news is that fixing this is quite possible if both parties are willing.
I know that working through the aftermath of an affair and forgiveness is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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