I often get emails from wives wanting to know if it's possible that their husbandwas (or is)in love with the woman with whom he cheated. Common questions are: "Could he actually love her? Could this be the real thing? Or, does he just think he loves her because it's new and exciting?" Sometimes the husband has actually told the wife that he is "in love" with the mistress, but the wife has her doubts as the relationship has only been going on for a short time. Many wives tell me that the thought that their husband actually loves this woman is worse than the physical betrayal.
The truth is, it's fairly obvious that most men aren't thinking logically when they are cheating or are having an affair. So, it's normal and sensible to question if they have a real grip on their true feelings or are just getting caught up in this whole thing. But, many men often dialog with me when the affair has been found out and they have no reason to lie about their feelings to me. Many men tell me that their perceptions are quite different once they've had the time and distance to evaluate their feelings. I'll discuss this more in the following article.
Loving The Woman He's Cheating With Versus Loving How The Relationship Makes Him Feel:
Many men do feel as if they are in love with the mistress at the time. But, there's a reason for this. One of the reasons that affairs happen is because a man is trying to repair the way that he feels about himself. Maybe he's feeling the aging process and it doesn't agree with him. Maybe he feels weak or frightened or worries that he's losing his power. Either way, an affair is often his attempt to feel better about himself and about his life.
In a sense, it's a band aid, but it feels good at the time. It relieves some of the tension for the time being. And, he greatly prefers this feeling to worrying that he's no longer good enough, attractive, or desirable. Many will mistake these feelings for being "in love" with the mistress. But, this will often fizzle itself out. Because over time, things can't continue to be light hearted and fun. No one will carry on with no strings attached and no obligations or real life issues into eternity. She will start to demand more of him or the fairy dust and sparkle will begin to wear off. It's oftennot until this happens that he will realize that he's greatly mistaken his feelings.
If He Thinks He's In Love With Her:
Often when I tell women this, they will say "well, what am I supposed to do until then? Just nod and accept that he loves her?" Not exactly, but what else can you do? Tell him that he's old, mistaken or not perceptive enough to know what he feels? Because if you do this, now you're just feeding into the negative way he feels about himself which was part of the problem in the first place.
Believe me when I say that you will set yourself up much better for the future (when this all comes crashing down around him) when you tell him that although you are sorry to hear this, you are glad he's happy and you wish him well. But, that it's best that the two of you don't discuss your marriage until you've both had the time and distance to do so (because once he has some distance, he'll realize how foolish he is being right now.) Tell him that once upon a time, you know that you weren't the only one who was happy in the marriage and you will take those memories with you for now.
This may seem like you're giving in, but you're not. Your conducting yourself with pride and you're knowing that your day is going to come. Statistically speaking, the odds are good that a day will come soon where he very much changes his mind about all of this. It's quite likely that he will come back full of apologies and embarrassed at how silly he has acted. And, when this happens, you want to know that you set this up perfectly.Because you were never nasty or told him that he was being an idiot and that he would be sorry. You never made any prior threats that you'll have to carry out now. You're completely in the driver's seat no matter how this plays out.
What If He Doesn't Change His Mind?:
Sometimes, women ask me "what happens ifheisreallyin love another woman? What if he marries her?" Well, statistically, this isn't likely to happen, but in some instances, this does bear out. And those who do marry the person they had an affair or cheated with are said to be at least 70% likely to divorce down the road. So, the odds aren't in their favor, but you aren't the one who can say this. You must let him come to this reality on his own. And, statistics show us that it's quite likely that he will.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
Automatic blog by iAutoblog
No comments:
Post a Comment