I often write about surviving infidelity and sometimes get emails seeking advice. Recently, I received an email from a woman who was trying to work on her marriage following her husband's affair.She asked if I could steer her to a "good cheating husband or infidelityforum." I told her that I didn't feel that this was the best use of her time especially if she wanted to save her marriage. I'll tell you the reasons behind this in the following article.
My Experience On Infidelity Forums: When my husband first cheated, I wanted to know that I wasn't alone. I did have friends who had experienced the same thing, but these women knew (and at one time really liked) my husband, so it was sort of awkward sharing things with them. I figured that if I could communicate with women who were going through the same thing as I was, I could begin to release some of the very negative feelings that I was experiencing.
What I found was that everyone's story is compelling, heart breaking, and similar. And, I also found that reading everyone's stories and struggles only made me feel MORE hopeless and MORE negative. It never failed that after I spent an hour or two on the cheating husband forums that I would feel MORE angry with my husband and less OK about moving forward with my healing.
Be Careful That Any Cheating Forum Doesn't Cause You To Relive The Betrayal And Pain Over And Over: If you're going to go onto a forum anyway, please make sure that it's a positive one in which the people are discussing ways to more forward rather than just going to lament about their husbands and their life without any real resolution. Even if you aren't going to save your marriage, you will need to heal from this betrayal to allow yourself optimal health for your next relationship.
It's never a good idea to allow yourself to keep revisiting the same issues and keep picking the scab off of the wound. I also often find on those forums that if you admit that you want to save your marriage, some of the posters will judge or belittle you for it. You'll often hear warnings like "once a cheater always a cheater," or "you know that he's just going to do it again mine did."
In truth, although these people are hurting, they don't know about your life or your husband. They don't know what either of you are feeling or what your intentions or outcomes are. And, it can be hard for them to have your true best interests at heart when they themselves are in so much pain and may have a very different reaction than you which is just as valid, but which may not be applicable to your situation and may not help you heal at all.
Also, know what sometimes people go on those forums looking for new partners. In other words, they'd like to start a new relationship with someone who has also been cheated on and who knows what they are going through. This is a bad idea on so many levels.
A Better Alternative To Cheating Husband Or Infidelity Forums: I understand that you need to release your feelings and would like to share your experiences. First, journaling is the best way, in my opinion, to unleash your conflicting feelings. There is no one there to judge or interrupt you. You can write until you feel like you've released everything and you can burn the pages or lock the journal without worrying that someone is going to judge you.
Second, if you're looking for someone who has experienced this, make sure you look for someone who has come out of it positively and who has healed. If you want to save your marriage, look for someone who was able to save their marriage after cheating. If you're not interested in maintaining your marriage, find someone who triumphed after cheating and emerged stronger.
You don't want your mentor to be worse off than you and it's not healthy to repeatedly expose yourself to someone who's only going to bring up the negative and the pain over and over again. The only thing this does is to make you relive the hurt and keep you stuck rather than moving forward.
I know that working through the aftermath of an affair is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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