I so commonly get emails from wives whose husband's have cheated. In these emails, I often get a whole laundry list of reasons that the affair was their (the wife's) fault. "I should have seen this coming," "I should have paid him more attention," "I shouldn't have let myself go," and "I shouldn't have blindly trusted her," are phrases that I hear a lot. This frustrates me because I want these women to know that the affair was not in any way their fault. I'll explain this more in the following article.
Cheating Is A Choice Your Husband Made. He Alone Bears The Responsibility And Blame: I am more than willing to concede that a strong marriage can often survive temptation where a vulnerable marriage can not. Yes, there may have been places where your marriage was vulnerable and of course, you would have some responsibility in that.
However, you were not there when your husband made the decision to betray his marriage. No matter why he did this, there were many other avenues he could have taken, but chose not to. He could have approached you and asked for what he needed. He could've gone to counseling. He could've removed himself from the situation. But, he didn't. In the end, he made a poor decision that he has to live with.
And, the responsibility lies with him to begin to fix it. Yes, you will need to work together to save your marriage. Yes, some of this will require your efforts. But, it is he who should make most of the concessions, the apologies, and the initiative.
What You Can Do To Help Save The Marriage Without Taking The Blame: As women, we often want to fix everything and nurture everyone who is in pain. But, rarely do we give ourselves the same kindness and support. Right now, you need to take care of yourself as well as you take care of the rest of your family. Give yourself permission to be "selfish" and turn your attention to yourself and your own needs. What can you do to lighten your load? What would support you and make you feel better? Once you define these things, don't be shy about asking for them.
So many women tell me that they want their husband's reassurance and they need accountability. They want him to check in. They want to take a look at the cell phone records just to be sure, but they don't ever say this. So, their needs go unmet and they're still frustrated and hurt. Yes, asking for accountability implies that you don't fully trust your husband right now. But, he's breached your trust. You're entitled to feel this way. So long as you don't continue to do this forever and are going to eventually trust him again when you see that he is trustworthy, ask for what you need to heal.
If you've going to save this marriage, you will need to have peace in your head and in your heart that this is never going to happen again. You need this because if you don't have it, you're never going to feel comfortable allowing yourself to be vulnerable again and part of you will always be closed off. Nagging doubts will always keep your marriage from being what it is supposed to be. It's so important that you dissect your marriage, identify where it was vulnerable, make the necessary changes, and put the correct safeguards in place so that you are comfortable that you are going to be OK going forward.
Creating A Better Reality So That You Can Move Forward (No Matter Who Is To Blame): So far, I'm willing to bet that what I've advised you to do doesn't sound so appealing. You have to ask for what you need, take a hard look at your marriage, and do the hard work that it is going to take to fix and safe guard it. This is asking a lot, but what are you getting in return?
Well, this is the most important part of saving your marriage. To get a place where you aren't constantly living in the past, you'll need to create a very positive, new reality that you can get excited about. And, this is truly the best, most fun part. The whole key toward healing is creating something better. It's about learning new, more fulfilling ways to interact with your husband. It's about creating new, better memories. It's about creating a future that is so fulfilling that you won't want to look back.
When people used to tell me that an affair actually strengthened their marriage, i thought that they were crazy or deluding themselves. I don't consider myself nutty or delusional and I can say that I'm much more happy in my marriage than I've ever been. True, it took a while to get here. The journey was tough at times, but the destination was worth it.
I know that working through the aftermath of an affair is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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