The letters that I get from some of my readers really affect me because I know just how these women feel. I often hear comments like "I've never been so hurt or so devastated in my entire life," or "I don't think that I will ever feel happy or whole again," or "things can never be the same for me after this." I completely understand.
Finding out that your husband has betrayed you in this way is like pulling the rug out from under the feet of what you thought was your life. You begin to ponder every thing that you thought you knew about your husband, yourself, and you marriage. You begin to question your judgment, your desirability, and your ability to ever trust again. But, I can tell you from personal experience that the hurt can eventually heal, whether you want to stay in the marriage or not. In the following article, I'll tell you how to begin the process toward healing.
Don't Make Rash Decisions Or Judgments Based On Fear Or Assumptions That May Not Be True: Often, the scary and negative feelings that we're experiencing as the result of the betrayal can cause us to act in ways that we may later regret. You very often need distance in order to make what are the best decisions for yourself (and no one else.) Tell your husband that you need some time to not be pressured and to process what is happening.
Many women will immediately decide they want a divorce only to regret this later. Or, they'll make assumptions that the affair is all their fault because they ignored the signs, let themselves go, and are no longer desirable. These things are not at all true. Often, women will use these untrue assumptions as the basis on which they paint themselves as the one who is to blame. They are not. You are not. No matter what the circumstances were, your husband chose to act as he did. There were other roads he could've followed and he did not. This can not and should not be blamed on you. Don't take this onto yourself. He is to blame here. And you should not allow his choice to make you change what you know about yourself.
When He Says It's Not You, It's Him Believe Him: Men will often take one of two tactics when they are caught cheating. Either they'll tell the wife that the affair has nothing to do with her or they'll try to blame her and what she didn't do or didn't see. Only one of these is the truth. Men cheat as an attempt to feel better about themselves, to calm the doubts that reign in their head. They want to feel attractive, desirable, and powerful, but these feelings are elusive. This lies in their own low self esteem and their own self doubt. This is not something over which you have any control or responsibility.
The affair is an attempt to fix what's wrong with them, not what's wrong with you. So, don't allow this affair to wreck your self esteem. If anything, it should wreck his. He's the one who was looking for youth and vitality in the bottom of a metaphoric cracker jack box. This is no reason to allow his very questionable decision making to contribute to your questioning your attributes. In all actuality, you are the same person you were before the affair, it's your husband who is different.
Worry About What Works For You, Not What Others Feel You "Should" Do: Don't get caught up in what any one thinks. It doesn't matter what your husband wants you to do. It doesn't matter what your friends and family thinks you should do. What matters is what is the best course for you. What do you need to heal? What will make you feel stronger and better? Don't apologize if you want to save your marriage or if you want to walk away. Only you truly knows and have felt the history that you have with your husband. Only you can experience your feelings and process your needs. This is all about you. You have to live your own truth and walk your own path. You are the one who has to live with the decisions that you make. Whatturns out to be best for you andwhat you can ultimately live with is the only thing that really matters. Give yourselfpermission to be very selfish and selfcentered.You're healing and you shouldn't have to apologize for it. You have permission to do what everis going to get through this.
Focusing On Self Preservation and Self Esteem: Often really healing from the pain of infidelity requires you to rebuild your self respect and your confidence. You can't be whole again if you secretly think that you're not good enough or weren't able to "keep" a man. Again, this is his fault, not yours but my telling you this is not going to do any good if you don't believe me.
The truth is, we women are often more cruel to ourselves than any third party could ever be. Our self talk would be abuse if someone else were saying it. We tell ourselves that we aren't good enough. That we're not really pretty or sexy. That we have flaws that someone is going to eventually figure out. That we're not enough. To really heal, you must stop this negative dialog with yourself. You must stop this negative loop of self hate. You are valuable and you matter. Put yourself at the top of your list and take care of who isreally themost important person in your life -yourself.
You must know that you are worthwhile. Do whatever it takes to rebuilt your self confidence and self esteem. You can not receive love from others if you don't love yourself. You're never going to believe thatyour husband or someoneelse finds you sexy and attractive ifdeep down you think you're full of flaws. Here'sa secret that I absolutely know to be true. Nothing is as a big a turn on to a manthan a womanwith confidence who knows, without a doubt, of her own worth. But, youmustn't do this for a man. You must do this foryourself.
Restoring my self esteem and self worth after my husband's affair took work, but it was so worth it. I now understand myself, my husband, our marriage, and our intimacy on a much deeper level and I no longer worry that he will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.
Automatic blog by iAutoblog
No comments:
Post a Comment