I'm often contacted by women who are torn as to whether to give their husband's who have cheateda second chance in the marriage. Often, the wives don't want to break up their families or give up years of commitment and love over just one poor decision, but there is often more to the story than this. Many times, they are scared that they will open their hearts and be vulnerable again only to laterfind that their husband has cheated again. Or, they are afraid that ultimately, there is too much pain, betrayal, and awkwardness now under the bridge for the marriage to really survive. And finally, many women worry that if they try to save the marriage, people will think that they are naive, spineless, or have no self respect.
I'll address all of these things in this article as well as some questions and considerations I believe you need to honestly answer to help you uncover if giving your husband another chance would be the best choice for you. (Note that sometimes your husband may not be giving you what you need because he can't read your mind. So, if your husband isn't fulfilling all of the suggestions I list, don't hesitate to ask him to do so.)
Is The Cheating An Isolated Incident?: First, it's important to take a look at the circumstances around the cheating or the affair. Admittedly, all infidelity can be a marital deal breaker, but a husband who has cheated multiple times will be harder to rehabilitate than a husband who had one regrettable one night stand. And, a husband who had a briefemotional affair is easier to rehabilitate than the husband who had a long term, intense affair that he's having a problem giving up.
Any of these situations can be overcome with intense work and commitment.Both parties need to understand why the cheating happened and fix the issues.Obviously though, the best case scenario is that the husband has completely closed off contact with the other person and is fully committed to saving the marriage and remaining faithful to his wife.
Is Your Husband Being Accountable And Forthcoming?: Many husbands want to get past the affair as quickly as possible because they think the longer they talk about or dwell on it, the more pain that it brings up. But often, a wife will need more than this. Wives want to understand why the affair happened and they need the reassurance and accountability that it is not going to happen again.
I always tell husbands to hand over their cell phone records and their email password without being asked. I also tell them to call often to check in with their wives. Because although they sometimes feel guilty about it, for quite some time after an affair, a wife wants to know where her husband is (and with who). A husband who understands this and makes himselfavailable is helping his wife heal.
Are You Both Committed To Doing To Work Necessary To Get Past The Affair?: I used to never believe people who said that marriages can improve and become stronger after an affair. From personal experience though, I know now thatthis is true. The work following an affair can be difficult and even painful sometimes. But, it is so worth it because both parties learn to improve their communication and intimacy, and to not take one another for granted. Often, an affair will shine a light on your marriage's vulnerabilities. Once, you address these and work through them, you're often left with a marriage that is actually stronger and more fulfilling. For this to happen though, both parties need to be on board and willing to speak up, define what they need, and to not be shy about asking for it.
Is Your Husband Generous With Reassurance And Support?: Over and over, I see women who want to save their marriages following an affair, but who are stuck. With a little digging, I typically find that there is a self esteem issue brought on by the affair. What happens is that the wife doesn't feel loved and desired by her husband. She wants and needs his reassurance but feels too needy or high maintenance to ask for it. So,she sitssilent and doubtful. Meanwhile, the husband wants to initiate intimacy and closeness, but he isafraid his wife will think he's a pig who "only thinks about one thing" when he does.
So often, wives can't believe their husbands still want them because they don't see themselves as desirable and unfortunately, this has nothing to do with their husbands. It's extremely important that you be selfish here and focus on your own self care. Address any issues that make you doubt yourself. I went back to school and dropped some weight, but this may be different for you. It's very important that you don't walk around like a victim that has lost all of her power. Understand that you are every bit the beautiful exciting women you were before any of this business happened. One act can not change that.
Whether to give your unfaithful husband another chance is a personal decision, but I often find that this decision often depends on the marriage before the affair. If you were happy, fulfilled, and loved your family life, it's hard to give all of that up because of one event. But, if your marriage was not a good one before the affair, you'll need to work harder to achieve a complete overhaul that makes a second chance a sound choice.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband's affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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