Even though it was years ago, I still very vividly remember when I found out about my husband's affair. Saying I was devastated is not a strong enough description. I was completely floored, horribly betrayed, and I felt so lost. I could not fathom that I would ever feel any better, or that things could improve. Worse, I really had no one to talk to. When I did reach out to others, I received conflicting advice from those who had never been there. Some told me to forgive my husband's affair is just "typical male behavior," while some demanded that I get my children and walk out the door even though my husband was doing everything in his power to save our marriage in the aftermath.
In truth, none of these discussions made me feel any better. They just made me feel conflicted. I felt like a spineless pushover when I was around the friends who told me to dump him. And, I felt like an unforgiving fraud around those who told me to forgive him. So, in this article, I will offer you advice from someone who has been exactly where you are. I hope to offer the advice I wish I had gotten.
Do Not Carry The Burden Of The Affair. The Cheating Is Not Your Fault: I can not begin to tell you how many women contact me even when they have just found out about the affair and when things are still very raw, who are completely willing to shoulder some of the blame for the affair. They will say things like "I should have given him more attention," or "I didn't make enough time for him," or "I shouldn't have ignored the signs." All of these things may well be true, at least a little. But, you were not the one who made the decision to cheat. He was. I am sure there were times when you too felt neglected or restless, but you likely handled it in another way rather than cheating.
I don't say these things to paint your husband as evil. Men very often don't see an affair as the same way that women do. They can separate the love for their wives and cheating, believe it or not. They often don't stop to think about the consequences of their actions and often they think you will never find out . They often justify what they are doing by telling themselves that they are taking care of whatever is going on themselves without having to burden you with it. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I can tell you from the men who contact me for help in saving their marriages that this is their thought process, as completely flawed as it is.
And, very often, men cheat because of how they feel about themselves, not because of how they feel about you. They are trying to recapture feelings of being attractive, powerful, successful, and competent. In short, they are trying to rescue their own self esteem. Understand this for what it is their flaw, not yours.
Why do men cheat on beautiful women like Jennifer Aniston or Princess Diana? Because they are lacking within themselves.
Be Kind To Yourself And Open To The Idea That Eventually Something Positive Can Emerge From All Of This: It may not feel like it right now. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that it doesn't, but please believe me when I say that in time, the choking feeling that plagues you right now will eventually lessen and loosen it's grip. It won't happen over night. There may well be many difficult days ahead, but very often affairs actually improve marriages if you handle the aftermath correctly. What happens is that both spouses learn that they can't take one another for granted and that neglect can leave a marriage vulnerable. In short, they "wake up" and change the way they communicate and interact.
There are some common pitfalls that you can avoid to expedite your healing. First, please trust me when I say that you need to tell your husband exactly how you feel and exactly what you need if you ultimately decide to save your marriage. Many women are afraid to expose their husband's to extent of how they really feel, for fear that this will only make them appear more unattractive or damaged.
The problem with this, though, is that if you keep stuffing your feelings down, eventually they are going to come out in very negative ways. You'll find yourself making sarcastic or hurtful comments. You'll pull yourself back from trusting again. You build a huge wall around yourself that ensures you'll have trouble restoring intimacy and closeness, even if this is what you really want deep down.
Probably one of the most common misunderstandings that I see is that the wife needs reassurance and accountability but doesn't say a word about this. So, when the husband isn't forthcoming with affection or the email passwords, the wife reads this as "see, I knew that he no longer wants me or no longer finds me attractive," while the husband is thinking "man, I'd really like to take her in my arms, say I'm so desperately sorry, and hold her, but the second I do, she's going to become angry or reject me." So, no one is saying anything and both people are disappointed, although they both want the same things.
Finally, you probably will need to work on restoring your self esteem. You should not deny this or feel guilty about it. It is completely normal and you may have to separate yourself from your marriage to do it. What I mean by this is that while you are working on your marriage, you will also need to work on yourself simultaneously. But, this really can be a positive experience. Give yourself permission to address the things about yourself that have always bothered you, but you put on the back burner. Focus on taking care of yourself as much as you care for others. It may feel selfish, but keep right on doing it. Because the truth is, you will need a healthy dose of self worth to really get over this. And, you need to see yourself as the beautiful and desirable woman you are to believe that your husband really feels this way about you as well.
To reada very personal story of how I worked on myself and ultimately saved my marriage after my husband's affair, please visit my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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