If you've found this article, I have to suspect that you are dealing with the aftermath of an affair. You're likely experiencing a slew of difficult, conflicting, and painful emotions that can be extremely challenging to process and manage. It can sometimes feel that your life (or your marriage) can never fullyrebound or that this nightmare is never going to end.
Because I often write about my own struggles (and eventual recovery) from my husband's affair, I'm often asked questions like: "how in the world can I and my marriage recover from this affair? I want to move on, but I just can't stop fixating on this betrayal or let go of my anger." The answer to this question is going to differ slightly based on the situation, but there are often common things that can (and must) be done to help you recover and heal. I will list some of these things in the following article.
Are You Confident That He Really Understands The Consequences Of The Cheating And Is Really Remorseful?: So often, women tell me: "I don't think my husband is really sorry about the affair. I think that he is just sorry that he got caught." This is a serious red flag in the recovery of your marriage. If you aren't 100% sure that your husband fully understands the devastation that his actions have caused, then you must revisit this issue. It's very common to not want to "go there" with your husband for fear of bringing about more negative feelings or making things worse. This is understandable. But, if you just brush over the pain and consequences, then you will always feel unresolved resentment and thefear that he is going to repeat this behavior. You must be confident that your husband not only understands, but is truly empathetic to what you are going through. A counselor once told me that a husband must "feel your pain so that he knows exactly what a se rious mistake this truly was."
You don't need to harp on this issue endlessly or keep punishing him over and over if he has truly shown understanding and remorse. But, if you are even slightly doubtful, be very honest with him and explain that in order to move on, you need to know that he understands the devastation that you are going through and is remorseful enough that he is motivated to examine his behavior and the vulnerabilities that lead up to it so that these things can be fixed, which leads me to.
Have You Completely Fixed What's Broken?: In truth, one of the most common reasons that some marriages can't recover from an affair is that the couple has not addressed the issues and vulnerabilities that led up to the affair in the first place. It's so easy to turn a blind eye to a lack of intimacy or a break down of communication and honesty. These things can be difficult and painful to discuss. However, you must bring these things into the light and change them completely and for good. If you don't, you can't possibly be confident that your marriage is affair proof and so you'll be reluctant to trust and be vulnerable again. A marriage can not recover and can not thrive without trust and transparency. So, address and fix any issues needed and get help with this if you need it. You really can not skip this step if you truly want your marriage to be whole again.
Have Your Built Yourself Back Up?: An affair is a confidence killer. It's not at all uncommon to see self assured, vibrant, positive women completely change and crumble after their husband has cheated. We women are often all too willing to blame ourselves for our husband's decisions and actions. Don't fall into this trap. He is the one who decided to cheat. No matter what the circumstances were, no matter how vulnerable yourmarriage was, no matter what you did or didn't do, he is the one who made the decision andhe is ultimately responsible.
Understand that men often cheat because of what is wrong with them, not because of what is wrong with you. They are feeling insecure, old, uninteresting, or wounded, and the affair is an attempt to place a band aid on these things. This often has very little to do with you. So don't place the blame where it doesn't belong. And don't be shy about doing whatever you need to do to restore your self confidence. I've mentioned that it's very important to be honest with your husband, but it's also just important to be honest with yourself. Where are you vulnerable, in terms of self image?
For me, it was my weight, my body image, my teeth, and the fact that I had placed my own career on the back burner to become a wife and mother. I had become a second class citizen in my own mind. It wasn't until I was honest with myself about that these things that were holding me back that I began to recover and heal. I lost weight, fixed my teeth, and went back to school.
Yes, my personal appearance and my outer self was transformed, but what really helped me move on more than anything was the internal changes that no one could see. It was a slight (but huge) shift in my self esteem and self worth. As I addressed(and fixed)thethings that were sabotaging me, I became more willing to accept that I was indeed lovable, desirable, and worthy and that no actions by my husband could ever change that.
Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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