I often hear from women who are trying to get their lives back after their husband had an affair. Recently, I heard from a wife who was trying very hard to save her marriage. But, there were a few serious issues standing in the way of her being able to do this. She was still filled with anger and resentment and she said, in part: "If I'm being honest, I don't think I'm in love with my husband anymore. He has hurt me too deeply. The person that I loved would not have an affair and betray me in the way that he did. So, while I love him as the father of my children and as someone who has been there for me for most of my life, I can't say that I love what he did or that I'm in love with the person. But, I have my family to consider and I don't want to be a middle aged divorced woman. So, I do want to save my marriage but I have no idea if it will even be possible for me to fall in love with him again. I'm willing to try, but I just don't see it."
These concerns are very common. Being betrayed by an affair will often suppress or even kill loving feelings, at least for a while. And while some people never get these loving feelings back (or even want to,) many are able to. It often just takes some time and some underlying work to clear up any outstanding issues or resentments. It's also not a process that can be rushed.
Worry About Healing Before You Worry About Falling In Love Again: Sometimes, when I discuss this with women I will ask them what they've been doing to try to work through this and heal. Many of them admit that they haven't really don't anything because they don't know where to start or because their husband is resistant or because neither of them want to dwell on things.
The thing is, you can't expect for the feelings to return if you don't have a clear slate or a strong foundation on which to build. You're asking too much of yourself if you're trying to force loving feelings when your husband hasn't shown your remorse, rehabilitation, or a workable plan. If you haven't received these things, there's nothing wrong with telling your husband that you need these things and suspect that they will help.
But this process takes time. You can't expect miracles overnight, and sometimes, when you put too much pressure on yourself you delay your progress when, had you taken care of yourself and make yourself and what you need a priority, you would've been better off.
If You Worry About Loving Yourself First, The Rest Often Falls Into Place Much Easier: I've alluded to this above, but often, we place so much emphasis on our husbands and how we fill about him that we forget about ourselves. When your husband has an affair, it can have serious affects on your self image, self esteem, and even your world view.
As much as it might feel foreign to you or even selfish, it's important that you worry more about what makes you happy before you worry about every one else. This doesn't mean that you need to or should make any lasting decisions while you are still confused, but there is nothing wrong with taking small steps and moving toward things that feel positive to you.
Worry About Reestablishing Loving Feelings Before You Worry About Falling Back Into Love: Sometimes, in this situation, people want too much too soon. Often women will tell me that can't stand the thought of their husband and yet they want to feel as though they are madly in love. This really isn't how it usually works. It helps to take it very slowly and reestablish a trust followed by a new connection. Once this happens, it can help to try new things and visit new places because ultimately, you are creating a new history. And what you really want is to create something better and new. But if you rush it, you'll often delay your progress.
As you begin to see remorse and rehabilitation, you will often become more open and, little by little, the trust and loving feelings will return. The next step is to focus on the connection and the relationship so that you will both feel "in love" all over again.
I know that working through the aftermath of an affair and forgiveness is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
Automatic blog by iAutoblog
No comments:
Post a Comment