I often hear from wives who tell me that they feel as though their entire marriage was a lie after they've found out about their husband's affair. I often hear comments like: "Part of me wonders if he ever really loved me at all. Because if he did, he wouldn't be able to betray me in this way." Or "I'm starting to wonder if his love for me was all in my own head." Another example is "I'm starting to question how much of his love for me was all just an act. Because he was obviously acting for my benefit while he was having the affair, so he could've been acting before it. Everything I thought I knew about him and the marriage could well be a sham."
These feelings are very normal and natural. Many women in this situation have them. And, these are all very valid questions and concerns. I have developed my own opinion about this over time. And, I know that some people are going to disagree with me or say that I believe what I do because it's in my own best interest to do so. That's perfectly fine. It's in every one's best interest to form the belief system that is right or most fitting for them.
However, in the following article, I'll tell you my opinion on this topic. I'll also tell you why I believe it's possible for men who have had affairs to still love (or to never stop loving) their wives.
It's Not Fair To You To Negate The Love That You Shared Before He Cheated: Many women are tempted to just believe that there was never any love in the marriage because, if there was, the husband would not have cheated. Many people believe that it's not possible to cheat on someone who you truly love. I respect this belief and used to share it, at least somewhat. But, I think that you might be painting with a pretty broad brush if you're willing to negate all of the love before the affair.
Things change. Situations and circumstances can shape our thoughts, behaviors, and actions. This doesn't negate the way that we genuinely felt in the past. To believe that your husband never really loved you at all negates your history and surrenders some of your happy memories that you have earned. In my experience, this is sometimes the unfortunate result of your questioning your ability to form accurate judgments.
In other words, you wonder that, if you missed all the signs of the affair, is it also possible that you thought he loved you because you were just seeing what you wanted to see? Or that you missed the signs in the beginning as well? I understand this thought process but I don't feel it's all that fair to you. Sometimes, you have to make a decision to give yourself more credit.
I Believe That In Some Cases Men Who Cheat Have Always Loved (And Never Stopped Loving) Their Wives: Now admittedly, as I'm also a wife who dealt with this situation, I want to believe that my husband didn't stop loving me. I have no problems admitting to that. But, I also get correspondence from men who have cheated and had affairs. And some of them are so heartfelt and consistent that you have to question why a man who doesn't really love his wife would take the time to reach out to someone else (and a stranger at that) for answers.
The truth is these husbands have nothing to gain by convincing me that they never stopped loving their wife. I'm not married to them and I don't know their wives. So, convincing me isn't going to help their cause all that much. So, I believe that most of them are telling the truth as they know it. Many times, reality becomes so obvious when you're in a situation where you have a chance of losing what you most value.
It's unfortunate, but sometimes these men realize just how much they love their wives (and have often taken her for granted) when she's suddenly furious, questioning the marriage, and potentially has one foot out the door. This isn't fair, but it's sometimes how it happens.
I also have come to believe (for various reasons) that men don't always cheat or have affairs because they don't love their wife or aren't happy with their marriages. In my view, they are often trying to fill some individual void or to deal with some form of internal conflict that, for whatever reason, they aren't sharing with their wife. Is this an awful choice with potentially devastating consequences? Yes, it is. But, does it mean that they don't love their wives? Not always and not necessarily.
I realize that some men are serial cheaters who will say anything to justify their repeated infidelities. And sometimes, these men are showing their feelings through their actions. But, I'm not talking about these types of husbands in this article. Today, I'm talking about the husband who makes a one time mistake and who would give anything for an opportunity to prove to his wife that if she just gives him a chance to make things right again, she won't be sorry.
By no means am I defending men who have affairs. I truly am not. But I do believe that it's possible for a man to have an affair that has little to do with his love for his wife. I know that some will disagree, but that's my take on this topic. Yours may be different. But it makes me sad when a wife tells me she's willing to erase her entire history of love with her husband, almost as if it never existed. That same wife may not want to save the marriage and that's completely valid. But a mistake does not always have to negate the past, particularly if that past held some happiness or treasured memories.
I know that believing what your husband says right now is extremely difficult, but he sometimes is telling the truth. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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