It's not at all uncommon for me to get several emails per day from women who tell me something like: "my husband cheated and had an affair over a year and ago and no matter what I do, I can not get over it or get the images of him with someone else out of my head. I know that he loves me and wants to make things work, but I just can't seem to get over this."
Another example is something like: "sometimes, I almost feel sorry for my husband. I know he wants to take this back and to fix this and I know that he wants for things to go back to being OK. But, I just can not forgive him, get over it, and move on. It stays with me no matter what."
Believe me when I say that I completely understand this. I had these feelings also. But, typically, there are some very common places where wives get "stuck" and become unable to move on. I will discuss where these places are, and how to move past them, in the following article.
Do You Believe That He's Truly Sorry For Cheating On You?: This is often the first place to start. Many women who send these emails have the shadow belief in the back of their heads that their husband is not really all that sorry. Perhaps they believe that he's only sorry now that he's caught. Or, they believe that he's only trying to do the right thing rather than the thing that his heart really desires. Or, sometimes they've heard the husband's excuses and explanations for the affair and have taken these things to mean that he finds fault with you or the relationship.
Whatever the reason for these doubts, many of the wife's who just can't move on secretly suspect somewhere near the bottom of their heart that their husband either isn't really sorry or doesn't really understand how deeply these actions have hurt and how devastating they really are.
Have You Left No Stones Unturned In Terms Of Your Healing And In Understanding Why This Has Happened?: It's a method of self preservation to want to move on as quickly as you can. Wallowing around in all this mire really hurts. Who wants to dwell here? So, it's normal for you to want to pull up stakes and put this firmly behind you as quickly as you can.
But, if you're really wanting to move on in a lasting and genuine way, it's very hard to do this if you brush over the issues that are going to keep right on popping up until you deal with them for good. As hard as it might be to stare this right in the face, doing this is one of the only ways to fully and completely move on. You need to dig deep to understand why and how this happened. It might hurt. It might leave you feeling raw and vulnerable. But, this knowledge will help you to fix the issues that contributed to this. And, knowing that you've done this is going to give you the confidence that you're in the best place you can be, and so that the next logical step is going to be leaving this behind.
So many wives feel shy about asking for what they need. They don't want to drag this out and ask for counseling or the hard discussions. They feel guilty about asking him to answer yet another set of questions or requesting that he continue to call and check in even though he's been doing this for months. But, if you allow yourself to brush your needs under the rug, you'll all but ensuring that they will attempt to get your attention in other ways like in your inability to move on.
Are You Focusing On What You Need And Want?: Many wives will place all of their focus on two places on their marriage and on their husbands. They want to do the "right thing" so that every one is happy and can return to normal. But, often, for whatever reason, this doesn't include themselves. We often think that we're just not worth it or that we can do without or that we're the one who fell short. We often deep down worry that this is really all our fault.
Please do not fall into this trap. It will lead you nowhere but to more pain and frustration. You did not ask for this or do anything wrong. No, you can't change this, but you can make sure that you have what you need to heal. This might mean working on and focusing on yourself. You really need to be very gentle and nurturing to yourself right now without any apology at all. This is a difficult time. There's no shame in struggling. It's understandable. But, sometimes, you are the one who is going to have to grab onto the life raft for yourself. Do whatever is necessary to rebuild your self esteem and your own inner happiness. This step is so important to restoring your confidence so that you are brave enough to move on.
Have You Built Something That Makes You Want To Move On?: Often, when people tell me that they can't get over the cheating, I always suspect that they've not yet rebuilt the relationship that's going to make them want to move on. Because once you rebuild your marriage to the place where you're happy, confident, and fulfilled, you honestly want to get over this and move forward as quickly as you can.
This doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you. Not at all. It just means that your husband (and perhaps yourself) have a little more work to do or that you need to look around and identify what issues are still left unsettled. If you need additional help, please get it. You absolutely deserve to be happy and to not suffer in having to carry this around with you for the rest of your life.
I know that attempting to move on after his cheating is painful and difficult, but healing is often closer than you may think. It took a lot of work and patience, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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