I recently heard from a wife who told me that her husband had agreed to sit down with her and tell her "all of the details of his affair." The wife admitted that she had been asking for this information for quite a while. About six months ago, the husband told the wife that he felt very guilty about something and finally admitted that he had a very short affair which was now over. But, beyond this very limited information, he was unwilling to tell the wife much more than this. Ever since, the wife had been demanding answers (which the husband had been very reluctant to give.)
Finally, the husband agreed to tell the wife "whatever she needed to know" about the affair. Initially, the wife was relieved, but the more she thought about it, the more she began to have concerns and reservations. She wondered if having all of these facts about the affair and about the other woman was only going to cause her more pain. In short, she asked me: "will knowing the entire truth about his affair just make things worse or do I need to know everything?"
The answer to this questions varies somewhat depending upon the situation and the people involved, but I definitely have some opinions on this based on my own experience and on the experiences of the women who sometimes comment on my blog. I will discuss this more in the following article.
You Need Enough Details About The Affair To Ensure That You Know What Type Of Situation You Are Dealing With: I agreed with the wife that being kept in the dark was not in her best interest. At this point, she had no idea who the other woman was, how the husband met her, or how and when they carried out the affair. Not having this information put the wife at a distinct disadvantage when it was time for her determine how she wanted to proceed.
In order to decide if the marriage is worth saving and how you can safeguard the marriage in the future, you need to know what (and who) you are dealing with. In my opinion, at minimum the wife needed to know: who the other woman was; how and why they began the affair; how long the affair lasted; who else was involved in the deception besides the two of them; and how the husband planned to rehabilitate himself and the marriage.
This is the minimum information that most women want to know, but some women have many more questions than this, which is certainly understandable. But, there is a fine line between wanting to know enough information to make an educated decision and dwelling on the things that are only going to hurt you and are likely going to make things worse.
The Details About The Affair That Might Make Things Worse Rather Than Making Things Better: Many women tell me that they want "all of the details" about their husband's affair. But, sometimes, once they hear some of the specifics that they thought they wanted, they find that they just can't get certain images and thoughts out of their heads. There is a fine line between demanding the details that you need to know and getting the details that are going to hurt you needlessly and delay your healing.
I always tell women to focus on the details that will strengthen rather than weaken them. These types of things are individual. But, in general, it will often hurt you to know the very specific details about the sexual aspect of their encounters. Many women tend to dwell in this area and want a very detailed description of exactly what happened and how much this was enjoyed by both parties. The answer to these questions can be very painful and I have to tell you that most women don't believe what the husband says in these instances anyway.
I've had women tell me that they wish they had never asked what type of perfume or lingerie the other woman wore because now they find themselves dwelling on these things or feeling pain every time they catch a whiff of the perfume in question or walk by the lingerie department at their local super center. I understand that it's very tempting to want all of the answers, but there are some answers that only cause you needless pain that is quite difficult to overcome.
This is why I often tell women to ask for information very gradually, starting with the most dire questions that need to be answered so they can evaluate the situation. Once you have the basics down and then give yourself some time to begin healing and evaluating where you want to go from here, you can then begin to ask yourself what else you feel that you absolutely need to know. And, even then, it's advisable to move very slowly and to take it one question at a time. After that, give yourself the opportunity to process and then reevaluate the situation as you take in more information at a very gradual pace.
I know that these questions and considerations are painful, but with the right plan, things often do get better. Rebuilding my marriage after my husband's affair took a lot of time, hard work and effort, but it was worth it. I now understand him, our marriage, and myself much more intimately. This has strengthened our marriage, and I no longer worry that he is going to cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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