I hear this question quite often from both wives and mistresses. Often I will have women who cheated with married men write me and say things like "the guy who told me that his marriage was torture and that he had never adored someone the way he adores me. But then, he went back to his wife and is now saying that I meant 'nothing' to him. How can he say this? What is wrong with him? Was he lying then? Or is he lying now?"
On the flip side of the coin, I also hear from wives who ask the same question, but for different reasons. I'll hear comments like "my husband is assuring me that theother womanmeant absolutely nothing to him. First of all, I am not sure if I believe this. He sure put a lot of time and effort into hiding and participating in something that he's now claiming meant nothing. And, honestly, this claim doesn't make things better for me. If he could have a physical relationship with someone for whom hehad no feelingswhatsoever, what does that say about him and his character?"
I will try to discuss this topic from a couple of different points of view in the following article.
When A Man Says The Other Woman Meant Nothing To Him, He Is Often Referencing The Long Term: Often, every one in this situation is taking the husband's assertions literally. But, sometimes this isn't necessarily how he means them. If you talk to men in this situation, many will tell you that they don't mean that they weren't feeling anything then or even now.
Instead, what they often mean is that in the long term view of their life, they intend for theother personto be a mere bump in the road, especially if things work out the way that they want or intend for them to. What they mean is that the affair is over for them and they want to make amends and move on so that this doesn't become a long term issue in their over all life.
Now, this may or may not end up being possible, but this is often what they are hoping for. And frankly, they are often trying to make thecheating easier for their wife to deal with. So they want to minimize it as much as they can.
Men Are Said To Be Able To Separate Sex And Emotions In A Way That Many Women Don't Or Can't: This is a cliche of course. Many people think that while women have a difficult time separating sex with the emotions that come along with it, men don't have a problem with this. And many men will claim this to be true. Many men who were recently caught in an affair will tell you that any emotion they were feeling actually had to do with themselves, their own self image, or the moral or personal issues that they were grappling with.
They will often tell you that they saw the affair as an escape or as a way to work through something or feel better about themselves rather than reaching out to or connecting with another person. To some women, this can sound quite selfish, almost as though they were using someone else. But this is what they will tell you and this is what they believe.
Often, When Men Realize That They've Put Their Marriage In Jeopardy By Cheating, They Realize That The Short Relationship With The OtherWoman Doesn't Even Compare To The History They Have With Their Wife: At the end of the day, I think that this is the most persuasive reason that men will say that "the affair didn't mean anything" to them. Because often they are in a situation where their wife is devastated and their marriage is in jeopardy. It's sometimes only then that they realize that they risked a real, mature relationship with history and strong feelings for one that was temporary and built upon a stack of cards.
Sure, he may have felt like he had some feeling at the time. But often, when he looks back from a place of distance and perspective, he realizes that the whole thing wasn't real at all. And he realizes that what is real is the history and commitment he has shared with someone else for a much longer period of time. In short, he often realizes what a mistake he has made and how false the affair really was. And this is the time when you will usually start to hear the "meant nothing" type of comments.
I know that working through this is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would've believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com.
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