I often get emails from wives who have either caught their husbands before an affair or cheating has actually happened or the husbands have felt guilty or scared and have come clean and confessed. In both cases, the husband swears that "nothing has happened," that there's been no physical contact or sex. However, the wives are either not convinced or they think that the emotional cheating is as bad or is worse than the physical cheating.
And, of course, then there's the trust issue. Since their husband was just one step away or a few daysbeforean affair, does that mean that he can't be trusted and will eventually go ahead and cheat? And how can a wife keep this from happening? What if he's only still with the wife because he was caught before the affair could run it's natural course? What is the best way to handle this when your world has been turned upside down? I'll address these concerns in the following article.
Did He Tell You About Almost Having An Affair Or Did You Find Out On Your Own?: This actually makes a big difference. If your husband came to you on his own, then he's put you first before her. He's placed your marriage as a higher priority than going ahead with the cheating. This is very important. It shows that his heart and commitment is still with you. He's shown without a doubt that he's trustworthy and remorseful.
But, if you caught your husband before the cheating could happen, and it probably would've happened before you intervened, you're in a different situation. Your husband was probably going to proceed and has placed you and your marriage as a lower priority than his own perceived needs. This doesn't mean that he can't be rehabilitated. And, it doesn't have to mean that he doesn't love you. It does mean however that the commitment and intimacy in your marriage have taken a huge blow and that he's shown that his trustworthiness is definitely in question. This doesn't mean that it's going to be that way forever. But it does mean that you have more work to do before rehabilitation can be complete.
No Matter Which Situation You're In, Fixing Your Marriage Can Turn This Around BeforeCheating Actually Happens: An affair is always about the pay off. It's not necessarily about sex. Your husband is trying to fill some void or fix some flaw. Perhaps he's under a lot of stress and he perceives that something new with no strings attached will relieve the attention. Maybe he's afraid that he's no longer attractive and seeking confirmation of his attraction elsewhere is what he thinks it's going to take. The key is the payoff. That's what he's really after because he perceives that the pay off is worth the risk.
You must change his perception so that he no longer feels that he needs this confirmation. This usually means strengthening your marriage, your intimacy, and your bond. You need to be your husband's safe haven and place where he can recharge and feel validated. And, he needs to do the same for you.
Please don't think I'm putting all of the responsibility or blame onto you. I'm certainly not. I've been through this before and I would never defend a cheating husband. But, I can also tell you that it's much better to do whatever will turn this thing around than to deal with the fallout later. It's very hard to get the image of your husband being intimate with someone else out of your head.
As painful as this is, I promise you that it's preferable to how you will feel if sex or intercourse has actually happened. A lot of women will say that it really makes no difference. That his cheating in his heart or his mind is worse. I do understand this. You want both his heart and his body and him offering this (or wanting to) for someone else is a betrayal no matter how you look at it. But I'm telling you from experience that you are fortunate that you don't have the intimacy betrayal to worry about. Because this is quite difficult to over come (although it can be done.)
Don't Allow Your Doubt Or Lack Of Trust To Become A Self Fulfilling Prophecy: I can not tell you how many women I've seen take this situation and actually make it worse. They will hound and follow and guilt their husband until he wishes with everything he has that he had never uttered a word. Some men will actually think "well, in her mind I actually cheated, so what's to stop me from actually doing it? She couldn't be any madder at me than she already is. I'm already in a no win situation."
I understand your fear and hesitation. Believe me I do. But it's important to understand that you're at a very delicate place. You have the ability to right a wrong before it happens. You can't do this if you allow anger or fear to guide your actions. You must allow your love for your husband and your marriage to guide you before you let the negative emotions drive you to do something that you will regret.
See this as a wake up call and take positive, not negative, action. Allow this to motivate you to become closer to your husband and more fulfilled in your marriage. Create a positive rather than a negative situation. The good news is truly that nothing really happened and you can fix it. Don't allow there to be a bad news component to this. Take preventative action.
I know that it may feel like you've been betrayed and healing from any kind of infidelity (even just emotional) is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can reada very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/.
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